I’ve been making the excuse for awhile now, about why I don’t write as often as I used to on this blog here of mine. I always say that I’m too busy with working and graduate school work. However, to be honest, I haven’t been working at all the last month and a half, and my graduate class workload here in France is quite minimum compared to what I’m used to.
To be completely truthful, I feel that this blog has lost its way, that I’ve lost my way, my voice a little bit.
When I first started this blog, I wanted to be a resource for fellow travelers and expats, to be a sort of guide, and though I’m still very much interested in doing so, writing a travel/expat blog like the many that you might see on Pinterest doesn’t properly portray my voice. I don’t want to write about travel the way that everyone else does. I don’t want to tell you the best ways to travel on a budget in Europe or the best places to visit in the summer. No, I want to write about travel and expatriation that way that I feel about it, but I’m still trying to figure out what exactly that looks like.
Travel blogs have a very valuable use. I admit unashamedly that I do use them and Pinterest to do research before I go traveling anywhere. They are an incredible tool that travel bloggers should continue writing if that is their passion.
But as for me, I want to write about the world, and how we as the human race relate to the world. I want to tell my story and the story of the people that I encounter through my travels and my expatriate experiences. I want to write articles that take a good look at culture and examine it from a much deeper level than the best foods that you must absolutely try in France or the most Instagramable spots in Paris. No, that’s not who I am.
To be quite honest, I find blog articles like that, though quite useful in many ways, quite artificial in others, at least for the voice that I want to portray.
That’s why I’ve been neglecting this important part of my life. Writing is so much a deep part of who I am. I write more than I ever share. I write because who I am depends on it. I write because I want to tell my story, but I also write even when I don’t want to tell my story but just no longer want it bouncing around in my head.
As I get older, I’m trying understand my needs and my wants. Having lived abroad three times now and having moved every year for the past 6 to 7 years, I’m growing weary. I miss stability. I miss a sense of belonging. It’s been 9 months, and I still feel like a complete stranger in this city, spending most of my time now that I’ve finished my school work for the year and am barely working except for private tutor lessons watching Netflix and reading books and taking random strolls in parks wondering who all of this makes me.
I speak French less than I care to, but I find it immensely difficult to find friendships in a city this large, not to mention that as a severe introvert I don’t make it any easier for myself. I find myself hesitant to make deep and meaningful friendships also because I’m leaving, and I’m exhausted of pulling my own roots that I’ve planted out from under myself. I realized that I’ve also had the mentality of me leaving in the back of my mind since I’ve been here, and unfortunately, I feel like it has affected my lack of friendship making skills while I’ve been here.
Maybe I’ve lost my sense of voice in my writing because I feel like this whole year has been about reshaping who I am. My voice is changing, and I’m still trying to figure out how. I’m still trying to understand who I was and who I’m becoming. I don’t feel sad that I haven’t been writing on here. I actually feel like I’ve needed this time to really start taking care of me, instead of others and their expectations for me. Before, I always felt an immense pressure to always post something about my travels or keep a constant update of my experiences while living in France. As of late though, I find it exhausting, because like I said, I’m just trying to reshape.
It sounds ridiculous, maybe a bit dramatic. Maybe it is dramatic. I’m not sure. I do have a tendency to feel a lot of feelings and then overshare them. I don’t care though.
This is who I am for the moment, and I will keep this blog for the time being when I do have random moments such as these where inspiration strikes. Hopefully someday I’ll find my voice again, and I’ll be able to return to this blog more fervently and will be able to revitalize it, because I still feel like I have a story that I’d like to share. I’m still just trying to figure out what it is though.
I’m embracing the unknowns and the more than occasional loneliness because I feel like the more that I do, the more of who I actually am comes through stronger every day.
So, there you have it. Follow if you’re interested, or don’t follow if you’re not. Continue to enjoy the articles about travel I have already written.
I’m not going away forever. I’m just officially recognizing this break that my mind has decided needed to happen.
So, until inspiration strikes again.
Take care of yourselves and gros bisous.
A plus mes amis…