Goodbyes are also awkward. There’s only so much “goodbying” that you can actually do. There are only so many times you can say “I love you,” “I’m going to miss you,” “I miss you already,” “Have an amazing time,” etc etc. You then reach a point where you have to walk away. You spend time together just as though it were like any other day, and you feel like there should be a big, definitive moment when the goodbye happens. There isn’t though, and that’s what makes them so awkward. It’s almost as though you aren’t really leaving those loved ones for a long time. Comprehending goodbyes is almost impossible to fully do because even though you know it’s going to be a long time before you see those people next, those moments still seem so anti-climactic. Of course, they are still very sad but very much anti-climactic. In the end, you just have to hug, say goodbye, and then give one last wave.
Did I mention that I hate goodbyes? everything about them. Here I sit on my living room couch watching TV with my mom the night before I depart the country for 8 months, and again, it feels like any other night. I suppose it’s a good feeling, but I wish I felt more nostalgic. I don’t feel as though my life is about to change in less than 24 hours. It’s still unreal. I’m not even sure that it will even fully hit me when I’m on the plane or getting off the plane in Iceland or Paris. It’s all so unreal.
I’m afraid that I won’t realize how lonely and far away I am from everyone I love until a few weeks from now when I’m sitting in my new apartment missing home, realizing that I’m more than 3,000 miles away. I’m sure that’s when culture shock will start to kick in, and I’m afraid. I’m afraid because this time, I’ll be living alone. Living alone will be an amazing opportunity to grow individually, but I can’t deny how afraid I am of the loneliness monster. Last time I was in France, I cried myself to sleep for two weeks straight while I was going through culture shock, and that was all while I was living with a host family that treated me like one of their own. I’m terrified of the loneliness monster.
Despite all of this though, I think I’m as ready as I can be. Everything is prepared. All my planning and the majority of my packing are complete, and there isn’t much else I can do except for wait until I board that first plane. Of course, I’ll have an 8 hour layover in Boston before I really start to feel nervous, but I’ll be leaving home. It’s quite overwhelming.
I know that I am ready. I know that I can do this. I know that I’m going to have an amazing time and that I’ll grow in so many ways. I also know though that I’m going to need support and encouragement because this adventure I’m embarking on is going to be quite an intense one, with many ups and downs. I know I got this, but I also know that I might just stumble a little bit along the way.
I’ll see you all on the other side I suppose (or maybe in between), so until then….
A plus mes amis!