I’m really not good at goodbyes, I’ve discovered. They are just a reminder to me that no matter where I am or for how long I am there, my heart will always be torn between all of the people and the places that I consider to be home. I cannot wait to return to France and visit my host family and the beautiful city that I used to call home, Nantes, but I also hate leaving everyone here at home. When I studied abroad, it was just for a semester, which seems rather like a small amount of time compared to the amount of time abroad that I am about to face, eight months time. Eight months does not seem like that much time at all, but I can assure you it seems to me like all the time in the world. I just think about the last eight months of my life. I have changed so much. So much of my life has been completely turned around and upside down in that amount of time. Eight months ago, I was extremely unsure of myself and of what my life would look like. I had hoped that I would be returning to France soon, but I had no way of being sure. I was unsure of my aspirations and my passions. Moving back to France was only a dream, and grad school was not even a question. So much can change in just eight months.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’ll forget what it’s like to be home, with the people that I love the most. I’m afraid that I’ll change, not in a good way. I’m afraid that the pain of missing everyone will be too much. I’m definitely afraid.
I’m also excited. I’m excited to see my second home again. I’m excited for new hellos and new friendships. I’m excited for self discovery and self-growth. I’m excited for travel and adventures. I’m excited to share my passion of language with French high school students. I’m excited to be able to call a new city home.
It kind of overwhelms me though, knowing that my heart will always be torn between people and places. Sometimes, I wish I could just bridge the gap between all of my homes. It’s saddening and overwhelming knowing that I can’t really ever do that.
I only have three days left in the States before I say goodbye for quite some time. It’s really hard, and I really hate goodbyes. I really really hate goodbyes. Here’s to new hellos though because after all, they aren’t true goodbyes, just temporary ones (at least that’s what I keep telling myself).
Much love and à plus mes amis!