to choose a path is not a simple choice.

It’s been quite some time since my last post because honestly, not much has developed in ways of getting closer to France. Though the dates are getting closer, developments in terms of preparation haven’t so much as moved an inch. I still have yet to receive my contract, and even though I am not alone in this as there are more than plenty of other assistants who are experiencing the same thing, I can’t help but to feel anxious about the whole situation. I have two months left, just two months. That may seem like a long time to some people, but for me, it feels like I will wake up tomorrow and be leaving for France (a gross exaggeration, I am aware). There’s still so much to be done, and there’s so much of it that I cannot accomplish without my contract/placement. I check my email and mail incessantly it seems, and every day I am disappointed once again.

I can’t help but to feel that there is a lesson in all of this though. I’ve struggled with patience my entire life. Maybe this is God’s way of saying, “Lindsey, you need to chill out and take a deep breath.” *sigh* Patience is for suckers. haha. not really. However, I do feel that way sometimes. It is out of my hands currently until I do receive that contract, so I suppose worrying about it now won’t do anything but put more stress in my life.

In an attempt to not focus on the fact that I don’t have my contract yet, I decided to do more research on grad schools. As of right now, the idea of what I want for my life is that I spend the time in France teaching until my contract is up and then I return home for a couple of months after which time I will pursue my masters. Only, while I was researching grad schools, I discovered that that , too, causes me stress. Firstly, money is an issue. Just to apply for grad school is going to cost me a couple of hundered dollars. Secondly, this process shifted the focus to the question that I’ve been asking myself all year long and was one of the sources of the deep depression and confusion that I had been experiencing this past year: what is it that I want in life? ย This brought on another line of questioning. What am I passionate about? What should I pursue? What if what I think I’m passionate about ends up being something that I hate? What if I spend all of this money to apply and then get rejected? What if I spend all of this money to apply and then realize that pursuing my masters so that I can continue teaching language abroad is something that I don’t want to do? What if I end up hating teaching abroad (which I fully doubt but I tend to consider the worst scenarios)? And of course the worst question of them all: What if I’m not good enough?

So, in my attempt to distract myself, I just ended up stressing myself out even more. Good one Lindsey. All of this reminded me that I’ve allowed myself to become so afraid of making the right decision or choosing the right path that I’ve almost stopped choosing any path altogether, paralyzed by the fear of choosing the wrong one, paralyzed by the fear of failure. However, what if there is no wrong or right path? What if the path is what we make it? Those mindsets are those which I try to believe and focus on. It’s just turning out to be much more difficult than I imagined it would be.

Moving to France is suppose to be an exciting time in my life filled with numerous opportunities, but I can’t help but to feel overwhelmed and sick with the prospect of those opportunities and the possibility of using them in the incorrect way to figure myself out and continue forward with my life.

Then there’s the prospect of choosing grad school versus choosing getting a full-time salaried job. How do I choose between those two? I do know that I do want to get my masters and this seems to be the right time to do it. It’s better to do it now (or rather next year) while I’m not settled down.However, if I do decide to pursue my masters, I have to start applying now. There are two great schools that I’m considering. One of which is in Toronto and the other is in Milwaukee. Both are great schools with great programs. So, how do I choose? I want to apply to both, but I’m afraid that I might not be able to afford to apply to both. I also have to consider the possibility of me wanting to continue to teach abroad after this year is up. What if I absolutely love it and want to continue to live in Europe? *sigh* I want too many things and am passionate about too many things.

How does one find comfort in what they feel they believe to be the right path without fear of failure or having made the wrong decision? How does one decide which path to pursue? My issue is that I can see myself doing all of the options that I’ve laid out for myself. How do I narrow it down to the one that is best for now?

All of this having come from not having my contract yet. Still waiting….

til then…

A plus mes amis!